The MorePeculiar Uses of Polyjuice Potion
by go-seaward
Summary: It's Severus and Hermione's second anniversary, and he has a little surprise planned involving Polyjuice Potion.


Title:  The More...Peculiar Uses of Polyjuice Potion

Author:  go-seaward

Category:  Romance and a litte humor

Rating:  R (borderline PG-13/R)

Disclaimer:  I don't own _anything in this story.  None of it is mine.  I just borrowed them to play with, you know?  They're actually J.K. Rowling's._

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Severus Snape sighed through his rather overlarge nose and turned the page of the potions journal he was reading.  Most of it was unimportant, unimaginative, or—most likely—both.  There was nothing of interest whatsoever, but he felt compelled to keep reading.  Despite the pedestrian nature of the articles, he _would keep up with academia over the summer.  It was hard to concentrate, though.  He was waiting for Hermione to return from the Ministry, and he had a bit of a ...surprise planned for the night.  He hoped she'd enjoy it._

As if on cue, the door opened and Hermione walked in.  She was smiling; it lit up her face in a way that little else did.  Before he even had a chance to set down his quill, she said excitedly, "Ginny's pregnant!"

"Not a miniature Potter," Severus groaned.  "No, wait.  This is a miniature Potter-Weasley hybrid.  I hope they've planned an addition to the Hogwarts infirmary."

"Don't be so pessimistic."  

He crooked an eyebrow.

"All right.  Point made.  But you could at least be happy for them."

"This is happy."

Hermione sighed and dropped her bag.  "You're hopeless.  How's the research?"

"As usual, the idiots in the publishing business have printed one hundred pages of tripe for every page of useful information.  How was work?"

"Not so good.  We were working on a charm to fix tone-deafness and ended up with three people singing 'The Many Ways to Polish Your Wand' for a few hours till we had the reversal figured out."

"Would I be correct in assuming that this was the type of song that should not have been visited upon your poor, innocent ears?"

"Yes."  Walking over to Severus' desk, she added softly, "Though I can think of some wands that might need a bit of polishing at the moment..."

"Perhaps in a bit."

She skirted the desk and plopped directly into his lap.  "Why the sudden reluctance?"

"I should think you would understand my desire for a bit more...romance tonight?  It is, after all, our two-year anniversary."

He tried to ignore the very nice feeling of a wriggling, happy Hermione in his lap.

"The desire for romance is a bit odd, coming from you, but I'm not surprised you remembered." 

"Though you, of course, don't remember anything at all."

Her lips had managed to find his neck.  "Tell me?"

"Only if you stop kissing me.  I have a bit of a surprise later, and I want to make sure you're up for it."

"All right."  The lips moved away.  "I want to know what made you first decide that you loved the annoying know-it-all student."

Severus smirked.  "_I didn't decide anything.  _You_ kissed _me_."  _

"I still deny that I would do anything of the sort."

"Ogden's Old Firewhiskey will do that.  Now, do you want me to continue?  Because if you don't believe me..."

Snuggling closer, which pleasantly distracted her chair, Hermione said, "Please.  Continue."

"Well, it was the day after final exams and N.E.W.T.s, and as I understand things, most of the seventh year went to Hogsmeade, where you all decided to celebrate.  I was sent down to collect wayward students at around 1:30 a.m., where I found, among other things, Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley sitting at a table, looking at a very sad and very drunk Hermione Granger.  When I entered, they had some sort of conference, apparently to decide whether my presence would help or harm your situation.  Having decided it would help, they informed me you had never had alcohol before, asked me to see you safely back to the castle, and took over my job with the other seventh years, herding them back to the school.

"I immediately tried to talk some sense into you.  You were in no mood to listen, however, and simply wept at me.  After a few minutes, I managed to pry out of you that you were sad to be leaving the man you loved.  Assuming you meant either Mr. Potter or Mr. Weasley, I told you I thought you had a chance with whomever you wanted.  You took this as encouragement and kissed me.  Thirty seconds later, you passed out, at which time I brought you back to the castle and let you sleep in my bed so I would not have to enter Gryffindor Tower.  I, of course, slept on the floor.  You woke up very hung-over and very confused..."

"No thanks to you.  You _could have cast a sobriety spell and spared me the headache."_

"Well, yes.  But that wouldn't teach you anything.  Plus, it left your guard down for our conversation the next morning."

"Where you told me you were attracted to me but I should not expect a great deal of romance, and also to remember that you were nearly twenty years my senior."

"Yes.  And then you snogged me senseless."

"_You_ kissed _me first!"_

"No, it was quite the other way around."

"Hmmph," Hermione murmured into his neck.  "But that still doesn't answer the question; why were you attracted to me in the first place?"

"That first thirty-second whiskey-soaked snog, of course."

A squeak of protest issued from the general direction of his chin.

"Combined with an agile, inventive mind and a load of common sense greater than the entire rest of Gryffindor Tower."

"Mmm.  Romantic.  Can we go have sex now, please?" she asked plaintively.

"No.  I've got a bit of surprise for you first."

Hermione sighed and slid off Severus' lap.  He tried to ignore how beautiful she looked as he searched for the two bottles he'd prepared.

"You know, Sev, I wouldn't mind kids.  And it would be nice if we had a child close in age to the newest Potter..." Hermione mused, settling in a leather armchair.

Stifling a sigh, Severus responded, "You know the deal:  you call me Sev, I call you Hermie.  Also, I refuse to have children before we are properly married."

Hermione muttered something that sounded a lot like, "A much easier task if we were actually engaged."

"What?"

"Nothing."

After finding the proper bottles, he approached Hermione's armchair.  "Here," he said, handing her a bottle full of thick, gooey, pale green liquid.

"Eugh, Polyjuice Potion," she said, staring down.  "Whatever for?"

"You've been asking what things were like from the other end, so to speak, and I thought I'd give you a taste."  He showed her the glittery red of his potion.  "Essence of Miss Hermione Granger."

"A Polyjuice of _you_?" she asked, examining it more closely.  "Severus, I'm not sure..."

"Ah.  Perhaps the wine first?"  He moved to the desk, poured the wine, and brought the two glasses back.  

"I'm just not sure that it's a good idea.  Who knows if things will even work that way?"

"I believe this sort of thing...switching genders at least...was fairly common among curious teens in the sixties.  They are thought to have enjoyed it."

She was still looking at him doubtfully.

"And really, Hermione, would you give up such an opportunity for learning?"

"True."  She glared at the potion, resigned, then took the glass of wine.  "To us."

"To us," he agreed, clinking their glasses together.  They both drank.  Severus only sipped, but Hermione downed the whole thing, as if to forget what was about to happen.  Given that she got more amorous the more drunk she got, and that she had been propositioning him sober, Severus decided he'd be having fun that night.

"Right.  Potion time..." Hermione began, lifting the bottle.

"Wait.  We should get undressed...after all, I _am_ more than a foot taller than you."

She smiled evilly and, setting down her bottle, began unbuttoning his robes.  Severus helped her with her clothing as well, and in short order, they were both quite nude.  He picked up the potion bottles, handed Hermione the green one, and tipped his back.

Immediately, Severus knew why Polyjuice wasn't used more often.  Well, besides the months of preparation, rare ingredients, and lack of practical applications.  The twisting feeling that started in his guts was quickly replaced by a thick, liquid sensation across his entire skin.  The room seemed to increase in size as his frame shrank.  It was highly unpleasant.  He risked a glance at Hermione, who was rather horribly in mid-transformation, but who did not seem surprised at the sensations.  Then again, it was the kind of thing she would know.  The nastiness stopped suddenly, and Severus found himself staring down at a body nearly a foot shorter than his, quite a bit rounder in certain places, and missing certain very important pieces.

He suddenly wasn't sure this had been such a good idea.

Looking over at Hermione, he was stuck with the extraordinarily creepy sensation of watching himself watch himself.  He certainly looked taller from this perspective.  And other things looked larger as well.  Unfortunately, he felt absolutely no attraction to himself.

"Well," said Hermione in Severus' voice.  He tried to ignore that fact.

"Well," he replied.

"This is certainly...interesting."

"Not, perhaps, the word I would have used."

Severus watched his...former?...face twist into a wry expression.  "I'm still horny."

"Good for you.  You don't seem to be showing signs of it."

"What?  ...Oh."  Hermione looked down, embarrassed.  The problem started to fix itself, however.  "Now that's interesting..." she muttered.

"What's interesting?"

"Erm, I'm not attracted to...you...in your current state...but I am attracted to, well, me...as I am now.  Seems hormonal responses haven't especially changed."

"Hmm."  Severus looked down at himself.  Judging by the sudden heavy feeling in his pelvis, she was right.  "That ought to be enough to go on, what do you think?"

"Certainly."  She walked over, bent down, and kissed him.  Yes, it was definitely going to work.

A couple of minutes later, Severus broke the kiss.  "You know what's good about this arrangement?"

"Want a list?" Hermione growled before trying to jump him again.  Severus just barely managed to miss her.  Him.  He was starting to get confused.  

"You know exactly what feels good to you, so you can do that to me, and vice versa, so that we get the maximum enjoyment out of this."

"Oh, I know what you'll enjoy."  Again, Hermione jumped him; Severus decided it would be best, in her current mood and physical state, to let her take the lead.  

It proved a very interesting hour.

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 "Mmph ngon," Hermione said eloquently into Severus' shoulder after they had returned to their normal states.

"What?"

She moved her head so that only her chin rested on his shoulder.  "The mechanics of that were very interesting, especially since neither of us were operating with normal hormones to match our bodies at the time.  I'm especially surprised as to how I was able to maintain an erection, even without much testosterone.  Perhaps I shall have to ask Poppy about it."

"You are in no way mentioning this to Poppy.  And that was much too long for an 'mmph ngon.' "

"No.  That was more of a ...well, let me show you."  The weight of her head disappeared from his shoulder and reappeared rather lower.

"Oh, God..."

He could feel her smile again.  "Exactly."

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The next morning, Severus awoke and attempted to stretch.  Four cramps made it rather difficult.  He grabbed a potion on the nightstand and drank most of the tightness away; the motion woke Hermione.

"I don't think I've ever been _this_ sore," he complained, attempting to disappear into the softness of the bed.

"Well, there was all the time while the Polyjuice effect lasted, plus a rather marathon session afterward based on your normal regenerative abilities, so I'd say that's a fair assumption."  Hermione leaned up on an elbow and stared down at him.  "You had fun, though, so it was worth it."

"I like how you asked that so nicely, Hermie."

"Enough with the sarcasm, dear.  It's nearly eight."

"Nnnnggg," Severus groaned, wishing he could Apparate right into the mattress.

"Come on, Severus."

"Mph."

She found one of his ticklish spots and attacked it.

"All right, all right, I'm up."  He raised his head.  "See?  Up."

"Good."  She bounded up, grabbed her robes, and headed to the shower

Severus took his black dressing-gown and went out to the kitchen.  Due to both his prowess at Potions and his tendency to work at home over the summer, he took care of the cooking most days.  This morning, he used the sheer mundaneness of making porridge and scrambled eggs to calm himself for what he knew would be coming later.  He set out the oranges for Hermione to squeeze and walked back to the shower to claim his turn.  

When he emerged, Hermione had a full glass of fresh orange juice and the porridge had just finished boiling.  Severus dished up the food, and they both sat down to eat.  Every few minutes, he patted the bump he'd placed in his pocket, waiting.

Finally, Hermione seemed to be finished.  She made a move as if to clear her plate, but Severus placed a hand on her arm to hold her down.  Slowly, and still slightly painfully, he got down on one knee, drawing the lump out of his pocket.  Hermione looked shocked.

"I..." he began, and had to stop and breathe.  "I know I don't talk about the future much, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it.  You've lived here with me for a year and a half, and it's the happiest I've ever been.  You are everything I could have imagined I wanted and more.  The only thing that could make me happier would be to have you as my wife.  Hermione, I love you.  Will you marry me?"  He opened the small black velvet box, revealing a simple rose gold ring set with a small diamond and two pearls.  He removed it from the box and lifted it to her hand, looking up for permission.

For one tense moment, he thought she would refuse.  Then her expression cracked into a teary smile, and she said, "Yes, Severus.  Of course I will marry you."

He placed the ring on her finger, then stood up to embrace her.  She fit just right in his arms, the woman he thought he would love for the rest of his life...no matter what form she took.

"I hope Hogwarts is getting ready to add to the library," Hermione whispered in his ear.

"Why would they do that?"

"Well...in a few years, after all, they may be getting miniature Snape-Granger hybrids..."

Severus smiled into his fiancée's hair and decided he could be very happy like this for the rest of his life.

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Review?  Please?   It'll make me happy.  See?  Happy.  --  :)


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